Note: I have been debating for a while how to best write this, and started going down the route of defining an academic framework, finding and citing articles as to why massage therapy can help with grief processing and release, but in the end I decided to write a case study about my experience. I may or may not at some point follow up with a more rigorous scientific approach, but for now, this feels right.
Massage therapy can be helpful for a host of things: Muscle pains, relaxation, anxiety/depression, stress, resetting one’s nervous system, better digestion, and better sleep to name but a few. In the course of working with a client, VN, it’s become apparent that grief processing and release is another area in which massage therapy can be enormously helpful.
Yes, people that are moving through grief – whether acute or older – can often also experience depression, stress, and lack of sleep, but in my experience the potential benefits go deeper.
When VN first came to see me it wasn’t immediately apparent to both of us that grief processing would be the main focus of our work together. Yes, their long-term partner had died about a year ago, and this came up as one of the reasons for wanting a massage, but the main stated goal was one of relaxation and stress reduction. We started working, and both because of the client’s guidance and my own sense I settled on a deeply intentional but relatively light touch, to allow the body to feel safe and supported. After maybe 15 minutes VN started to quietly cry, which can happen at times when people receive bodywork. I briefly checked in to see if they were OK, offered a tissue, and continued. Towards the end of the massage I made note of some stiffness in their neck, we chatted for a bit, noted the emotional release, and made a follow up appointment.
Since the work I do often operates on two levels, the immediate physical/muscular level, and the whole being, and bearing in mind the stiffness I felt in their neck during the previous session, I suggested that we start face up for the next session so we could start by addressing that. We did, and after about 10 minutes I had the sense that the client was not settling in. I checked in, and they confirmed that starting face up just wasn’t working for them. As such, we shifted gears, went back to face down, and continued. A little later VN started crying again. They let me know they were OK, I offered a tissue, and we kept working. As we continued, it started to dawn on me that that was the main goal of our work. Not to try to relax tight muscles but to create a setting in which it was OK for grief to surface, and to be felt.
At the end of the session I shared this thinking with VN (and apologized for getting it wrong initially) and they had come to the same conclusion. There was lingering grief that would not/could not come to the surface in VN’s everyday busy life, and starting face up was too distracting to allow it to be felt. And so we decided to keep exploring this focus in our work (starting face down going forward).
As the sessions continued we talked more about why the grief was able to come forward and why VN would allow themselves to feel, process, and release it. One of the aspects was the feeling of safety, and the relative light, but constant pressure, allowing them to not have to focus on enduring the physical sensations (which one should never have to do btw, grieving or not), which in turn allowed space for the emotions to surface. Another was the sense of being cared for, and of not having to be anyone, or do anything. Another that the body may hold on to emotions and as the body (and with that the mind) relaxes these feelings may be released.
I propose it’s all that, and more. By creating a safe container, in which the client feels safe and supported, by taking care of the the physical body (and in doing so bringing the client into a parasympathetic space,) and by offering a non-judgemental witnessing, allowing the client to move through whatever it is that comes up in their own time, space is created for emotions/grief to come to the surface. When they do, these same things then allow the client to experience and release them without having to feel ashamed, or weak, or angry, or any of the other secondary emotions that are involved in feeling grief, and without having to analyze it (this is not in any way a jab at psychotherapy, which can be tremendously helpful, but sometimes one just needs to feel.)
We’re still continuing our work, and I still offer tissues (at the start of the session these days). The work is profound, and profoundly beautiful, and I feel honored and humbled to be a part of it. As for my client, I’ll let them speak in their own words:
In 2022, I lost my beloved husband after a long illness and I had to put down our beloved 14 year old dog – it was a tremendous amount of loss in a short period of time. A friend suggested that I make an appointment with Korneel for some therapeutic bodywork, as it might ease my stress and calm my activated nervous system.
During my very first session, I had the realization that more than some sore, tight muscles, I had a lot of sadness, longing and deep grief stored in the cells and tissues of my body. I am not one to shed tears easily, but I found myself crying softly as Korneel slowly, gently and intuitively worked on my back, shoulders and neck. I was surprised at my emotional reaction but also felt some relief.
Since that first session, we have worked collaboratively to help my body actually experience, process, and release the grief. It’s not a one shot deal and will take time. (I am a retired therapist and have often said to clients that our minds can often confuse and lie to us, but our bodies always know and tell us the truth. My experience with Korneel totally confirms this.)
As others have commented, Korneel creates an atmosphere of utter safety and is intuitively attuned to and receptive to the needs of his clients. Through this work I came to understand that I had been grieving in my head (so to speak) but not in my heart. As we continue to work together, I am more and more able to access not only my grief, but what many spiritual practices refer to as the Tender Heart of Sadness: the place from which compassion arises. There is something unique about non-erotic therapeutic touch where there is earned trust and a common goal, which allows for healing to emerge.
For me, this grief release bodywork has been extremely helpful and healing.
If this resonates with you, and you would like to explore this kind of work, please feel free to reach out. I would love to work with you.